Notes on VIOLENCE, Or, The Hardest Blog Post I've Ever Written

As the editor of Cliterature, it is my responsibility to choose each theme for new issues as a way to focus the conversation surrounding women's sexuality. Some themes take me months, even years, to articulate in my own mind. Others come to me in a moment's notice. The latter was how VIOLENCE, our spring 2013 issue, was conceived. I could not help but notice the increase in statistics of violence against women. I also could not avoid the reports of the now infamous Delhi gang rape and the ensuing protests.

Sometimes when you are in an abusive situation, survival instincts kick in. There's the fight or flight response, but there's also the body's tendency to freeze. This freezing can have unintended and awful consequences; the proverbial deer in headlights is not unwilling but unable to move out of the way of the speeding car. At least, that was how I felt when my ex-boyfriend was abusing me.

It took me a long, long time to recognize and acknowledge the abuse. Our relationship had been marked by a series of breakups and reunions, and our last breakup came on a day in May when something deep inside me rose up and screamed "NO." And if not for one small thing, we might have been reunited once more and started the cycle all over again. That small thing is something most people take great pains to avoid: jury duty.

I was called. I went to the justice center. I was picked for a trial. And it was a domestic abuse case. Sitting in the jury box and listening to the testimony, I became increasingly uncomfortable with how closely these two strangers relationship mirrored my own. And in the end, I realized that we (the defendant, the victim, me, my ex) were all on the same path; my ex and I were just a mile or two behind these strangers.

VIOLENCE is much more than the slap of skin and muscle upon another's body. It is the malevolent, malicious, and intentional disruption of someone's emotional, mental, and psychological well-being. These can all escalate into physical abuse, and I consider myself incredibly lucky that our relationship never went to that level while it lasted. But it doesn't change the fear I felt when he would intentionally scare me (only so he could pull me close and comfort me) or the shame I felt as the man in my life put me down, degraded me, controlled me, and eroded my self-worth.

Healing only begins after we bring the hurt into the light. Let us explore VIOLENCE and women's sexuality in the light so that our wounds may begin to close.